Disturbing

So most of you know about my son Trevor. But for those of you who dont here is the back story. When I was 16 years old I hit a bit of a, well lets call it a rebellious period. I started dating much older guys and well to be blunt partying all the time. I thought at the time I was so grown up and was as they say 10 foot tall and bullet proof. I met this guy that I thought was so cool. He was 21 and he really liked me. It took us all of 2 months to get pregnant the first time. He convinced me that because he was Catholic it was a sin to use protection... haha So getting pregnant didnt take long. But once I got pregnant everything changed. Anthony and I started arguing all the time and I moved in with a friend. With in about two week so finding out I was pregnant I had a miscarriage and was devastated. I blamed Anthony, but didnt break up with him. Instead I started acting out even more. I moved back in with my Mom, but she had little to no control over me. And to be honest I think she felt so bad for me that she just didnt know what to do. Anthony and I continued to date even though by this time I really couldnt stand him. My mom has said many times that she thought I was just trying to get pregnant again. I've never really agreed with this, but looking back now I cant recall anything that was going thru my head at the time except grief. Even at 16 losing a child really did effect me greatly. I lost the first baby on Dec 12th of 1995 and found out I was pregnant again in Feb of 1996. The doctor said that I got pregnant the first week in Jan. I decided the day I found out I was pregnant again to break up with Anthony. I told him he had to move out and he told me he was going home to Minnesota. He packed up his car and left and I resolved to only talk to him when I had to about the baby. About 30 minutes later is when we heard the sirens going off. I made an off the cuff remark about it being Anthony.... and it was. He had run his car into a tree down the street from my house and my whole life changed. 

Anthony didnt die that day. Actually he wasnt even hurt, but it was enough to make me take him back. He left two days later and I ended up following him up there...

I was a lucky one. I could tell you all the crazy things that happened over the next two years. But its a long crazy story. I'll just say that I couldnt have made it through with out my wonderful mom and sister. Fast forward and Trevor is going to be 13 years old this year. He has spent 90% of his life living with my mom. Which over the years has left us answering lots of questions from nosy strangers. For some reason when you have a different situation in life people assume that they can ask you anything and they do. Everything from "Will he ever come live with you again?" to the much more invasive "Dont you miss him?". Its always amazed both me and my mom what people thought it was okay to say to us. I will sum it up quickly by saying this. At 17 I had no health insurance and little money. Then 4 years later when I did I felt like he was where he was happy and belonged... with my mom. The two of them have always shared a special bond. 

So now to why I am writing this post. The other day I was folding laundry and looking for something to watch on tv. I came across this show on MTV called Sixteen and Pregnant. Watching it I see so many of the same things I went through, but that part of what worries me. I was really blessed with  wonderful family that supported me so much. Most girls dont have that and will a show like this make having a baby in high school seem like fun... like a good idea. Will it make them think it makes you look more grown up? I mean I guess it does make you look more grown up, since you look tired all the time, your constantly working and you cant go anywhere with out finding a sitter, oh and dont forget you never have any money. Why cant we have a show about teens that are saving themselves for marriage? Why are there no shows about the kids that are working hard to go to college or make something of themselves? Am I just getting old? Are there really that many more girls out there getting pregnant these days or is TV just getting more and more disturbing? I know that stuff happens when your young, I know that girls still get themselves into the same situation that I did, but do we really have to have a show about it. Should we really be making these girls feel like their pregnancies are going to make them famous? Dont be ashamed girls, thats so not what I'm saying. I have never been ashamed of Trevor and I love him more then anything. But I do know that if MTV had showed up at my school and said they wanted to put me on TV it would have put the wrong idea into other girls heads. Suddenly getting pregnant would have been so cool and not something that was going to make life so much harder. Because no matter how much I love Trevor, having him did make life harder. My life is still harder to this day simply because I am constantly wondering if I am doing right by him or if by not living with us I am hurting him. I will always worry that I didnt make the right decision... I know that I will be there for my kids if anything like this should happen to them just as much as my mom and sister were there for me, but at least I know that I will never let MTV or any other channel show my kids this glamorized version of teen pregnancy...